On hindsight, Q2 is a mixed bag of loss of artistic belief and growing career disorientation in the presence of perhaps the best relationship I'll even have. I like things with rich texture, multi-layered color, sound or structure. Such tendency compliciates the way I see things. Based on the notion that things are usually too complicated to be understood in a thorough manner, I become an agnostic. Life in essence is not that complicated if I fully accept that I am merely an insignificant part of a infinitely large world. What I do does not matter to but a handful of people around me. At this point, "making a difference" in the world is simply too far-fetched.
Perhaps I have reached a point where I started to realize the continuous reflection is not making any meaningful impact on my behaviour model. The only value is perhaps of archival nature, a flowing and growing documentary of my life.
Memories are purely subjective. The shape and color all depend on the emotional status I am in when they are recalled. I can either see it the positive lens or the negative lens. One filters the dark memories and the other does otherwise. If I don't write down the "history" as it happens, multiple recalls will soon cover it with muddled judgments till the true color is buried beyond salvage.
Responsibility is a very annoying variable. It crashes into a perfect world I build based on self-realiaztion, hobbit, and nihilism. I tried to reconcile both sides but efforts are either directed at the wrong subject or not strong enough.
Begins 2Q10 a relationship I think will last.
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